Every old machine has monsters living in it. This is my field guide to the ones I have met. The levels are a joke; the advice is not.
Oxide Crawler
Hardware monster · Lv 3
- HP
- 12
- Habitat
- Cartridge edge connectors and console slots
- Weak to
- Isopropyl alcohol (90%+), cotton swabs, patience
- Resists
- Blowing into the cartridge
- Drops
- A game that boots on the first try
Field notesA dull film on the gold contacts that makes games freeze or refuse to start. Rub the contacts with alcohol on a swab until the swab comes away clean, then let everything dry before you insert it. Blowing into cartridges only adds moisture, which feeds the crawler.
Acid Weeper
Hardware monster · Lv 7
- HP
- 20
- Habitat
- Battery compartments of forgotten controllers and handhelds
- Weak to
- White vinegar or lemon juice, a soft toothbrush, gloves
- Resists
- Being ignored
- Drops
- Clean springs
Field notesOld alkaline batteries leak a white, crusty residue that eats contacts. A little vinegar on a swab neutralizes it; finish with alcohol and let it dry. Badly eaten springs can be replaced. The real cure is prevention: take batteries out before storing anything.
Capacitor Bloat
Hardware monster · Lv 18
- HP
- 60
- Habitat
- Power boards of old consoles and televisions
- Weak to
- A soldering iron and new capacitors of the same rating
- Resists
- Cleaning, wishful thinking
- Drops
- A quieter, steadier picture
Field notesElectrolytic capacitors dry out with age; they bulge, leak or simply drift, causing hum, wobbly pictures or no power at all. Recapping a console is a well-documented job. Inside a CRT television it is a different fight: the tube can hold a dangerous charge long after unplugging, so leave that one to people who know how to discharge it.
Silent Cell
Hardware monster · Lv 25
- HP
- 3
- Habitat
- Inside battery-backed cartridges
- Weak to
- A backup of the save, a fresh tabbed CR2032
- Resists
- Being noticed before it is too late
- Drops
- Your save, intact
Field notesThe coin cell that keeps cartridge save memory alive for decades, then quietly stops. Copy the save to a computer with a cartridge reader first, then swap the cell for one with welded tabs. Never solder straight onto a bare cell. Full story: Someone Else’s Save File.
Sunfade
Hardware monster · Lv 12
- HP
- 40
- Habitat
- Shelves near windows
- Weak to
- Curtains, shade, cupboards
- Resists
- Almost every cure
- Drops
- Nothing. It only takes.
Field notesSome old plastics turn yellow with light and heat over the years. People bleach them back with hydrogen peroxide and UV light; it can work, but results vary, the color may return and the plastic can get brittle. I keep things out of the sun and accept a little tan.
Dead Membrane
Hardware monster · Lv 5
- HP
- 9
- Habitat
- Under gamepad buttons
- Weak to
- Isopropyl alcohol, replacement membranes
- Resists
- Pressing harder
- Drops
- A jump that happens when you press jump
Field notesEach button pushes a rubber dome with a carbon pill onto the circuit board. Grime and wear make buttons mushy or dead. Clean the pills and the board traces with alcohol, let them dry, and replace any torn domes. See The Thumb Remembers.
Magnet Ghost
Hardware monster · Lv 9
- HP
- 30
- Habitat
- Corners of CRT screens near speakers and magnets
- Weak to
- Degaussing, distance from speakers
- Resists
- Turning it off and on again quickly
- Drops
- Pure colors
Field notesRainbow blotches in the corners mean part of the tube got magnetized. Most sets degauss themselves at power-on; switch off, wait twenty minutes or so for the circuit to reset, and switch on again. Repeat a few times for stubborn cases, and keep magnets away from the glass.